i reread all of my old entries in this thing...

and i realized that so many things have happened over the past year.

but they have all made who i am today.

and i am proud to say that after all of it, i can still say "i havent ONCE been something im not."

i feel like a total loser.

im not even kidding.

i failed my FIRST class today.

i failed the final and the class.

i cant believe it.i literally studied for like 9 hours last night and i failed.

i am a complete failure.

i wish that i was better at math.

i wish that i didnt give up so easily on things that i dont quite understand.

i wish that i would just ask for help when i need it, instead of somehow trying to figure out for myself how its done and having no clue in the end.

i wish that school wasnt so hard.

i wish that failing a class isnt so thought of as your a really bad student.because im not.the teacher just didnt assign homework and then take it up and i didnt do it.

i just feel like having to make up the class and go to summer school and all of that crap makes me a bad person...and im not.

should i feel like this?

should i feel like im a bad student and that i dont try.i mean c'mon im sure that lots of people have failed and it was so close to passing.i hate this.more than you'll ever know.and you wont until you see that 65% on your e-mail that is sent to your parents and you have to live with the shame that its YOUR grade on the paper.YOURS.not theirs.not the teachers.YOURS.and i feel like i disappointed them in a way.

last year i would come home and do my homework every night and they would congratulate me and tell me how i always do my homework without them telling me too.

but this year...this year i slacked off sooo much and its my fault i know.with friends,a boyfriend to worry about,social life, drama,cross-country,newspaper,church,family...everything in between just weighed heavily down on me.i never got enough sleep at night.i was always thinking about other people and not my grades.

"Oh yeah ill bring that up..."

psssh...i though.

whatever i just feel like total shit right now and its right before christmas break.i feel stupid.i feel like a big pile of disgusting shit just layed by a fat cow mother fucker in a big farm house and it stinks and its gross.

yes.i know.

you love that but its true.

i just need to get away from here.hopefully my christmas vacation will let me forget about everything for awhile and stop thinking about him.god...

<3yeah yeah love love

doing stuff today!

setting up the christmas tree i know.maybe working im not sure.maybe going to the one acts with melissa.doing homework and all of these projects and essays.reading.and watching snl.and maybe a harry potter marathon!

i have some true friends that i have been able to talk to through all of this crap.thanks to kaitlin for being my ultimate friend who i can vent to and i hope that you can do the same.i love you dude.we are hanging out sometime and watching harry potter alll night.

life is tough but im stronger than you think.through all of the tears,ive realized that there's more to life than boys who just use you for stuff or who don't treat you how you want to be treated.

im looking forward to christmas and seeing those who really care about me.

track starts wednesday.should i be excited?

leave me comments.

banquet tonight.was lots of fun, except for kaitlins little matter and stupid joseph and then robert didn't sit by me during dinner but i got to hang with kaitlin so it was all good.

got home and now im going to bed.i need sleep dude.

this weekend for ya:

Friday(tomorrow):school,hanging out at the top of the gym after school,maybe hanging out with kaitlin to get her mind off of things or doing something at home or something.maybe seeing robert after he gets off work or something.u know my fridays are awesome fun.lol

saturday:maybe work,running with my dad in the mornings like kinda early and then hopefully get some homework done or something this day.and SNL and maybe watching some SURVIVOR if i have the time.wait i always have time for survivor.well not lately but u get the point.

ummm sunday:church of course,youth group maybe,then MAYBE work.if not,hanging out with robert or scotty or melissa.one of the three.

kaitlin-i love yew girl.stay in there.i promise you that he is thinking about you right now.breaking up sucks butt but at least your getting through it now and not later.what if you ended up going out with him for like a year and then splitting up.u know how bad you would feel then.so yeah just another one of my wonderful examples that made me feel even better when i thought of them.its alright to cry also.i know it hurts but God loves you and so do I.how much better can i get!?!?

i never thought that i would say this but <after tonight and seeing your face,i knew in that instant that through all of the fights and endless nights,we still were able to come back together.maybe a break was for the better,but im not sure if i can start again.i missed you.>

edit::never fall for what a boy tells you and then totally ditches you the next day.don't be stupid.

i just typed a whole freaking page about shit.

and it all erased.

so guess what

im not typing it again.

just call me and find out if u really want to know.

i hate xanga now.

pshhh.